I have two cars...
Now this is not for the reason you might think... at least not for the reason I would like you to think, which is that I'm completely loaded, and I can afford two vehicles that say, not only am I affluent, but I might also kill people for a living.
No, the real reason I own two cars is that I've become paranoid that if everything completely goes to hell, and I can no longer afford the payments on the one car, I can still have another car to drive, as I own the second car outright.
But this isn't about the second car, no, no it's about the first, and it's ability to cause people to loose their common sense.
The first car is big, it's black, it's badass. It's very loaded, heated and cooled seats with massage loaded, and it's an American made automobile (for those who maybe thinking Mercedes or BMW). But I digress, my car seems to have the ability to cause people, who are not me, to lock my keys in the trunk.
This has now happened several times, and it has caused me to ponder why. Is it the scary big blackness of the car itself? Is it the sheer enormity of the volume of the trunk that causes this? Perhaps I am simply friends with stupid people. I for one would like to think it is not the latter of those potential options, but I guess I'm not ruling anything out here.
Anyway, because I have two cars, and despite my best efforts, I have yet to master operating both of them simultaneously, so I do from time to time lend the big one out to friends when the need arises. Yesterday not withstanding.
Incoming text message:
"I locked the keys in the trunk!"
I wouldn't think that particular type of message would require an exclamation point at the end of it, as if it was something exciting and fun that just happened, but I wasn't the one who wrote it, so perhaps it was merely a poor punctuation choice caused in the midst of frustration for having locked you're friends keys in his car, several states away from where he lives... maybe that was it.
At this point in the post I need to tell you about the second time the keys were locked in the trunk. I was with the person who did it. Not physically with them at the moment of the trunk closing, but I was only maybe a hundred feet away, rather then hundreds of miles away.
Here is what 'we' discovered... When the car is locked, you're screwed. As it turns out, you're screwed on a multitude of levels, but we had yet to discover those other levels.
Level 1: The realization that there is no way that 'you' are going to get into your car.
Level 2: The realization that this particular car does not have an actual keyed lock on the trunk. Meaning that without the remote fob (I hate the word "fob") or pressing the little trunk button in the car, there is no way to obtain access to the trunk.
Level 3: Waiting for AAA.
AAA arrives and the guy comes to looks at the car. I don't want to say the guy panics, but he clearly doesn't look thrilled. AAA guy, goes back to his truck five stories down (by the way, did I mention the car is parked in a parking garage) and finally returns with a bunch of pry bars and a little inflatable pillow. I will give the AAA guy credit, he managed to pry the frame of the door away from the roof of the car without causing the side window to explode, and reach in with his little grabby thing, and pull up the lock.
Level 4: Holy fuck the alarm in this car is loud as hell. Maybe it's the concrete parking garage it's in, but I think even out in the open the alarm would have been half a step away from causing you ear bleeding full blown deafness if you were too close. The AAA guy yells to me that he'll be right back, heads to the elevator and is never seen or heard from again. He may very well have died on the way back to his truck from loss of blood caused by the ruptured ear drums I'm sure he had.
Level 5: My car is a fighter and it is not going to give up those keys easily. Sure we may have thought we won, but we were wrong. After waiting for the alarm to stop, we cautiously approach the car. I'm not sure why we were being so cautious, but at the time, after the explosion of sound and flashing lights I guess it seemed prudent. I press the little trunk release button inside the car. The trunk does not release, and the alarm goes off again, causing us to once again scatter. My car is in full lock down mode. Approaching the car again, I open another door, the alarm goes off again. At this point I think we are all suffering from what I'm sure will be permanent hearing damage, so this time we don't flee, we just deal with the noise. We've now opened all the doors and when someone shuts one, we discover the car will immediately re-lock the door. This is some next level shit right here. This car would lock you inside of it and starve you to death if it could. My car may be a killer...
Level 6: Why is the battery under the back seat? Who thought this was a good idea? We've now gathered a group of people who are helping, or standing around, one of the two. We remove the back seat, disconnect the battery and wait. After maybe a minute I reconnect the battery and oh yes, you guessed it... flashing lights, horn losing it's mind, doors frantically re-locking in the hopes that we'll be in the car, and us bleeding from the ears. This cycle goes on several times over the next five minutes or so. Not because we're stupid and don't learn from our mistakes, but because we couldn't think of anything else to try. We connect the battery, the car loses it's mind. Disconnect the battery, wait, repeat... Finally the battery is connected and car does nothing. I contemplate if this is some sort of ploy, like perhaps the outside of the car is now electrified and when I touch it I will immediately be electrocuted. I'm not putting anything passed the abilities of my killer vehicle. I press the trunk release button... the trunk opens...
It only took hours to retrieve the keys...
And now I'm looking at this text message "I locked the keys in the trunk!" replaying every moment of the last time this happened in my head.
I reply "are you in the car?"
I receive a second text message:
"I'm outside the car. I was so excited to be loading some of my favoritest beer ever that I had a brain fart".
Did I question whether I was friends with stupid people? At least my friend won't slowly starve to death while trapped in the car. Although I'm not sure if the car will try to kill you until you set the alarm off. We already know, once that happens, it's on...
So, I write this long ass text message back about how the AAA guy can try to pry the door, the alarm is loud, the doors will keep trying to lock, the battery is under the back seat, disconnect it, reconnect it, disconnect it, reconnect it, disconnect it, reconnect it, disconnect it, reconnect it, disconnect it, reconnect it, hope the car forgets that is has been violated, press the little trunk release button.
A little more then an hour passes and I receive the third and final text message:
"Success!"
Well, it was a succinct message...
Please feel free to comment, -Me
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